Do I waltz? (For Deb) (picture for Hanna)

In my mind, I am quite graceful. I can twirl and shimmy and swivel my hips and move my arms lightly about. In my mind, I'm light on my feet and un self conscious and dance like no one is watching, even when everyone is. In my mind (I'm gone to Carolina...) it's all slow and easy and right. In *reality*, I'm clumsy and awkward. I bump into walls (and apologize...not as much as I used to, apologize that is). In reality, when I let go and twirl in the glory of the moment, I'm the girl who trips over the invisible crack in the sidewalk. Heck, I don't even need to twirl, I don't even need a crack, my feet get me often enough and I've had them all my life. In reality, I can't do Tae Bo, because I am too un coordinated to get the moves backwards. I look hilarious trying to belly dance and even drunk people didn't want me line dancing with them. Not that I ever tried to line dance. I have no idea what a watermelon crawl is. Really. My sister and I have been talking a lot about dancing lately. It keeps coming up with different people, in different places. Dancing. Dancing. Metaphorically, literally. Dancing.I've had two great dance experiences in my life. One with a man. One with myself. I've danced with a man twice in my life. Once was a girlfriends boyfriend trying to make her jealous so he pulled me onto the dance floor, and quickly put me back at the bar. Not one of my great dance experiences... I went all the way back to my 36th birthday journal of 2003 for this oneFriday night was the MOST fun. Mike took me on a Lake Champlain "cruise" where you take the ferry across to New York and back, it's about a three hour cruise...and the entertainment was a Beatles cover band called All Together Now. It was so awesome. We were both really relaxed and the weather was fabulous, the drinks were good, the band rocked. I had my first real slow dance, my first dance ever with a boyfriend, to THIS BOY. To top it off, I had my second and third slow dances to Here Comes Sun and Golden Slumbers. It was probably the most romantic hour of my life to date. Still the most romantic hour so far. My other great dance experience was quite different but within the same year, after I'd cried harder than I ever thought a person could cry. (though time does put things into perspective) It had to do with a great book, Good In Bed and a great cd Maroon 5's Songs about Jane and an afternoon to myself where I played that cd over and over and finally put down the book and danced like I knew what I was doing. I *was* Cannie Shapiro. I rocked the house that afternoon. All the houseplants were digging me.Strangely, one of the things that has always been on my list of things that I've asked God for in a man, no matter how teeny tiny my list has been... has been someone that I could slow dance in the living room with. After my family left on Easter, and I had cleaned up (well, they mostly did it all before they left) I looked around my living room and realized that unconsciously created this big, open space, perfect for slow dancing in.So the question is...Do I waltz.I guess my answer is, not yet.

who? me?

Neuroticism 75 Extraversion 16 Openness To Experience 49 Agreeableness 68 Conscientiousness 87 You are introverted, reserved, and quiet with a preference for solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends. You can be very easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be extremely sensitive and emotional. A desire for tradition does not prevent you from trying new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual. You have a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative. You set clear goals and pursue them with determination. People regard you as reliable and hard-working. This report compares you to other women between the ages of 21 and 40 in United States. It analyses you based on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model (Goldberg, L R. 1999), and the six sub domains at each level.Neuroticism explanation | back to top Overall Score 75 Anxiety 58 Anger 76 Depression 60 Self-Consciousness 66 Immoderation 62 Vulnerability 80 You are generally calm, although some situations can make you feel anxious or tense. You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. Mostly your emotions are on an even keel and you do not get depressed easily. You are not generally self conscious about yourself. You often resist any cravings or urges that you have, but sometimes you give in. You experience panic, confusion, and helplessness when under pressure or stress. Extraversion explanation | back to top Overall Score 16 Friendliness 68 Gregariousness 33 Assertiveness 12 Activity Level 6 Excitement-Seeking 0 Cheerfulness 61 You genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. You make friends quickly and it is easy for you to form close, intimate relationships. You like crowds but sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Sometimes you feel like you need some privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You have a generally cheerful disposition. Openness To Experience explanation | back to top Overall Score 49 Imagination 53 Artistic Interests 88 Emotionality 91 Adventurousness 1 Intellect 76 Liberalism 29 You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You love beauty, both in art and in nature. Sometimes you become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. You have good access to and awareness of your own feelings. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. As a person who is open-minded to new and unusual ideas, you love to play with and think about ideas. You also like to debate intellectual issues and often enjoy riddles, puzzles and brain teasers. You prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Agreeableness explanation | back to top Overall Score 68 Trust 39 Morality 83 Altruism 38 Cooperation 89 Modesty 40 Sympathy 79 You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank and sincere. People find it relatively easy to relate to you. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Conscientiousness explanation | back to top Overall Score 87 Self-Efficacy 97 Orderliness 60 Dutifulness 93 Achievement-Striving 71 Self-Discipline 75 Cautiousness 75 You believe that you have the intelligence, common sense, drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. You are a reasonably organized person and like to have a certain amount of routine in your life. You have a strong sense of duty and obligation, and feel a moral obligation to do the right thing. You strive hard to achieve excellence. Your drive to be recognized as successful keeps you on track toward your lofty goals. You often have a strong sense of direction in life, but may sometimes be too single-minded and obsessed with your work. You have strong will-power and are able to overcome your reluctance to begin tasks. You are able to stay on track despite distractions. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives.

I wrote this ...

I wrote this in an email to my sister and my friend jchamad earlier today, sent it to myself to post here cuz it's so dang funny:so, my friend J just said "I need to burn you the Blue October CD"and I said "YES! I love them, every song I hear I love"and she said "he looks a little weird though"and I said "if I saw him in a dark alley, I'd be a little frightened and I would turn around and walk the other way"and she said "yeah, I'd either be really frightened or really intrigued and think 'wow, he's deep'" I was like...ooookayyyyy a few minutes later, she was repeating the story and she said,"and Robin said, if I saw him in an art gallery, I'd be a frightened....."

'i love Jesus, but i drink a little'

- a co-worker told me today that i'm halfway amusing 90% of the time.i'm 10% convinced that was something like a compliment. - i finally did it. i watched A Lovesong for Bobby Long. what took me so damn long?- i'm moving into my own house on march 1st. the plan right now is to rent it for six months then buy it. i know. i have a lot to write. i'm trying not to get too optomistic at this point yet.- Becky is having a baby brother or sister in April and i desperately want to be there.- i miss Mike real bad. or rather, what i thought we had.- i haven't decided what's more important, saving to buy furniture or saving to buy a pet.- i think Becca's gonna let me take Bon Jovi with me. we are very close, BJ and i. - my sister J.L. is giving me a dining room table so BJ will have a place to sit.- my sister Maggie is giving me a rocking chair that's been in our family a LONG time. ♥- our pastor talked about something so horrifying at church on sunday, that i'm hesitant to even repeat it. but apparently, there is this new movement to get people to damn themselves to hell using you tube. these people give instructions on how to blaspheme, they say that you can damn yourself however you want but you must use certain words denying the Holy Spirit. then they go on to explain the consequences of denying the Holy Spirit. Becca and i were practically in tears. it was the last day of our series on Identity, and subject was, ironically enough, Recognizing the Holy Spirit. The pastor had woken up at 3 in the morning unable to sleep. while channel surfing infomercials, he heard that on CNN i think. he was so disturbed he looked it up. obviously, he didn't share it at either saturday night service (he didn't know) weirdly enough, he didn't share it at 9 am service. 11 am service (that we go to) was more packed than i've ever seen it, even at Christmas. i wonder who was there. - on saturday, i drank a whole bottle of wine, plus one glass of wine, plus four cocktails. around midnight, i was praying for death.- on a completely unrelated note, i'm joining my church this weekend. for the first time in my adult life, i will be a member of a church. so excited.- my job is kicking my ass. i think i've reached the "resigned" stage. i'm so much better than i'm coming across. i was not made for data entry.

"people let me tell you 'bout my best friend"

50 ODD Things About You1. How tall are you?5'22. Have you ever smoked heroin?No.3. Do you own a gun?No.4. Male or Female?Female5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?it's been so long, i don't remember. but i don't remember being nervous.6. What do you think of hot dogs?I love corn dogs and turkey hot dogs 7. What's your favorite Christmas song?the betty boop one8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?southern pecan green mountain coffee with vanilla nut creamer9. Can you do push ups?um, i guess10. Is your bathroom clean?for the moment12. Do you like painkillers?i used to love them. but it's been years since i've had anything stronger than fiorinal for migraines.13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?kink14. Do you hate any of your exs?not really16. Middle Name?Danielle17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?-why can't i stop itching-i want to go to bed-why won't the phone stop ringing18. What's your normal bed time?no such thing.19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:water, coffee, pepsi19. What time did you wake up today?5 a.m.21. Current worry?A1C numbers23. Current hate? being fat24. Favorite place to be?oh, there are so many favorite places....the beach, snuggled up in bed, sailing25. Least favorite place to be?WAITING rooms27. Do you own slippers?Yes.28. What shirt are you wearing be specific?i'm actually wearing a long, white cotton nightgown29. Do you burn or tan?before glucophage, tan. since glucophage...i don't spend a lot of time without sunscreen30. Favorite color(s)?sunset and fall colors31. Would you be a pirate?no, duh, i'm a wench32. Last time you kissed somebody?friday33. What songs do you sing in the shower?i usually take baths, and i read.34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?crazily enough, sleep35. What's in your pockets right now?no pockets36. Last thing/person that made you laugh?my best friend sent me a card yesterday that said "we're such good friends that if a tabloid ran a story that you slept with aliens, i'd jump right in and say.....if i know her, they didn't sleep!". I laughed out loud and then for about 20 minutes while talking to her on the phone37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?jeez, i don't remember! i have something red and paisley in mind but i could be delusional38. Worst injury you've ever had?oh, um, i don't know! i jumped off the top bunk once and landed on an easter basket and had to get five stiches in between my toes. oh no, wait, a few years ago i passed out in the shower and tore my shoulder up. that still hurts a lot39. If you could cheat on your spouse, would you?no40. Are your parents still together?no41. Who is your loudest friend?a girl i work with. i love her but sometimes i want to throw things at her. 42. Who is your most silent friend?jenn43. Does someone hate you?undoubtably44. Do you wish on shooting stars?when i see them45. What is your favorite book?Captivating46. What is your favorite candy?chocolate47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?Love Song, by Elton John (but sung by my mom)48. What song do you want played at your funeral?I had picked out "can't cry hard enough" by the Williams Brothers, in my 20's but now i'm not so sure. maybe Love song for a Savior by Jars of Clay49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?watching t.v. in bed begging God to let me fall asleep and make my headache go away50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?"i'm not sure i can pull off this 'worship as i'm waking up' thing.

seen and heard, part... oh who cares

last friday night, me coming home to Jordan, Miracle and Miracles yorkie-poo, Teddy.MJ: Aunt Robin, what kind of dogs do YOU like?Me: well, I'm not really a dog person, but I did fall in love with a friends dog the other night, he was a shitzu (or however it's spelled, they don't care)MJ: What kind of dog is THAT?Me: she was really small and soft and cuddly, and... very mellow.Jordan: like yousaturday at Elijah's 4th birthday party at McDonalds, I've taken him to the bathroom and he wants me to come in the stall:Elijah: (pointing to the corner between the stall wall and the stall door, ceilingish height) you have to look up there because it's bad for you to look at meMe: ok (looking up there, back to him)Elijah: I peed everywhereMe: oha few seconds laterElijah: IT WONT FLUSHi turn around to help, there is pee...well...everywhereElijah: (pants around his ankles)YOU STILL CAN'T LOOK AT ME!Me: I'm not looking but you're cleaning that upElijah: oksaturday night after a long day playing with siblings and cousinsMe: You were such a great big brother this weekend, I am so proud of youJordan:(with resignation only an almost 13 year old can pull off) I just didn't want to get in trouble

dream interpretation

so, everyone who i've told my dream about waking up naked, scared, confused and married has said either"oh, you're so going to meet someone"or"it means that deep down you know that there is someone out there for you, you just don't know who he is yet"funny, as my interpretation was that i was scared to be naked in bed with a man and ambivalent as to whether i really wanted to be in a relationship again. but very excited about the ring.on a semi-related note... i think this might be the first time i've looked at myself naked in the mirror and felt complete and utter disgust.